The Quiet Gift of Unhurried Time: On curiosity, connection, and wasting hours well

One of my favorite things about the holidays with family is that we don’t plan much (other than the food). As my brother-in-law Jon says, being with family is like killing time between meals in the best possible way. There’s a freedom in not having to plan every activity for every person’s taste. We just relax and hang out. The conversations, fun, and connections emerge.

This year for Thanksgiving we were in Nashville, where Jon and his family live. We played games, ate great food, and walked and talked for hours. 

One highlight was getting to know my nephews in a different light. One of them is almost 30, lives in NYC, and is a marketing leader for a retail brand. I got to see the professional that he’s become—and though no longer little, he retains that adorable, silly part of himself that I’ve loved from when he was young.

My boys, husband, and I found ourselves asking him so many questions, as if we were hosting a podcast. We were so intrigued and energized by his work, his life in the big city, and the challenges and opportunities he’s facing.

We learned about his company structure—where he sits within it and where he aspires to grow. His maturity is remarkable. He’s experienced many of the same issues that my C-suite clients grapple with. 

Even more striking than the content, though, was the dynamic that all of us co-created: no agenda, no structure, no expectations—just real curiosity and real connection. 

The next day, on a walk with my son and nephew, unexpectedly the tables were turned. I became the interviewee.

My nephew asked what led me to pursue a degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology and to start my own business. My son—politely and jokingly, having heard these stories many times—jumped in to finish some of my sentences. He harkened back to my work in our small-town family drug store, starting as soon as I could reach the register and stock the shelves. He reminded me that in fourth grade, during my 45-minute school bus ride, I sold candy bars (to my schoolmates’ parents’ dismay) and later stickers and school supplies from our store, because it was exciting to have a small business on the side.

I had forgotten how entrepreneurial I was at such a young age! That brief reminder gave me a new perspective on my career: It’s no surprise I launched my own business ten years ago. And it sparked a fresh burst of energy, a bit of the “chutzpah” I had as a fourth grader that I could use again in my fifties, as I consider what I want to take on in the year ahead.

My son and nephew asked me so many questions, with such genuine curiosity. It felt good to be seen, and to recognize in myself, here and now, the same energetic, no-holds-barred, “just do it” spirit I had as a fourth grader.

There was something special about those moments with my family, when one person had the opportunity to simply talk and answer curious, non-judgmental questions—sharing their experiences and uncovering parts of themselves that perhaps they were only beginning to understand. I certainly experienced it myself and it inspired me.

All of this got me wondering: What can we do this holiday season, and in our daily lives, to create more authentic connection—more space to see each other, to be curious without an agenda, to see and be seen? To spark inspiration in others simply by paying attention to them?

It reminds me of a quotation by Amos Tversky:

"You waste years by not being able to waste hours."

Tversky was referring to how he and Daniel Kahneman (the Nobel prize–winning economist) would spend hours together talking, walking, and coming up with playful thought experiments that became groundbreaking in the field. If they hadn’t had those walks and talks, and instead just had their heads down doing research, perhaps they wouldn’t have built that relationship—nor broken ground.

In the weeks ahead, I hope you’ll get a chance to go waste some hours, so the years ahead are richer for the relationships and insights that can only come from unhurried time.

Happy Holidays!

Lori    

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And—if you are inspired and haven’t already read it—take a look at Michael Lewis' book about Tversky and Kahneman. The Undoing Project - A Friendship That Changed Our Minds. 

This story about the workings of the human mind is explored through the personalities of two fascinating individuals so fundamentally different from each other that they seem unlikely friends or colleagues. In the process they may well have changed, for good, mankind’s view of its own mind.

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